Heart full

I came here to see my child's child - to be celebrated and validated.  To fill my heart with great feelings.  Well, now my heart is heavy.  I will always be Pinocchio - never the real boy, and this is no real life. 

I made decisions - all which have consequences.  My daughter is just beginning her life, and I must continue searching for mine.  I don't belong here, and I never did.

.

I'm a fuck up.  It's who I am, it's what I do.  All I ever wanted was to not be that person, and I truly believed being transparent with you was a great start.  I trusted you with me.  I was so sure and free (believe me), I thought I could fly again.  I was eight again, and you were my non judgmental friend.  Today was my best friend's birthday.  He's gone - no matter how many times I look up to the sky to talk to him, no matter how I look around for a replacement, he's gone and I'm still here - alone.

I can't believe it is like this now...

Snare-aware

Though stronger words were never spoken
The curse of Narcissus is broken
Thank Heaven for natural selection
As I survive my now frail reflection
And I, strengthened, must thus proceed
Until the next time of reflection's need

Come, promise compromise!

Sinus pressure subsiding, I can breathe and think again. What are you thinking about? Do you realize the choices I have made in the name of this love? Would you ready have me fully destitute? Is that what you have learned from your captors? And what of your liberators? When will you apply their lessons? I don't tell you things anymore, and this it's strategic. You had me fully transparent, but hated my weak moments. I am now merely being a 'normal' man. There are decisions I make that any reasonable person would see as reasonable. I'll stay in here a little longer, little boy safe from your undeserved wrath for now.

It all has to come out some way

Thanks

That one word, pregnant with such possibilities.  That was all she wrote, all she offered - and my mind worked and reworked that word:

Thanks -

For nothing
For everything
For caring
For disturbing me
For blessing my family
For confusing the hell out of me
For loving me
For using me
For healing me
For causing me great pain
For always being there
For messing with my emotions
For understanding
But, no thanks?

HELP

THIS IS TOO MUCH FOR ME!  I CAN'T FUNCTION - I CAN'T SLEEP.  I WENT TO WORK EARLY, AND LEFT EARLY.  I STARE AT MY PHONE, AWAITING CONTACT.  I WISH I COULD SHUT UP AND PRETEND TO BE NORMAL - ENJOYING THE DAYS FOR WHAT THEY WERE - DAYS WITH YOU.  I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS.  I'M TOO AFRAID TO BE KNOWN FOR THE WEAKLING I AM, TO OPEN UP AND SAY ALL WE ROMANTICIZE.  I AM ALSO TO WEAK TO JUST WITHER AND DIE.  I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS - I WON'T LIVE LIKE THIS.  I AM SCREAMING ON TOP OF MY LUNGS RIGHT NOW.  I SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU THE TRUTH - I PANIC WHEN I THINK I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU, AND YOU WILL JUST REJECT ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE IN MY LIFE.  I LOOK FOR EVERY REASON TO SAY - AHA!  THAT'S THE ONLY REASON FOR THIS ATTENTION!   I WANT THIS PAIN TO END, MAKE IT STOP, PLEASE!

SO? SO-SO!

I should protest,  but I would be insensitive.   You have enough on your plate (literally) to deal with, so I show mercy. I was happy to lounge here dans le palace de self pity, but you came knocking and I opened up once more.   You keep taking kindness for weakness,  you will one day be unpleasantly surprised!  Have fun there, and I'll have fun here.  I won't come, and I won't complain.  The trip there is not much different for me than a trip to Coral Springs.  I just have to make my mind up and do it, and that's just what I did.  Now you would punish me for my rudeness - you punish yourself, and go too far.

Our Final Words?

When I count the costs, and balance our efforts, I get a little confused. Have you though this through. ?

Alone again, naturally...

Main Entry: sin·gle·ton Pronunciation: \ˈsiŋ-gəl-tən\Function: noun Etymology: French, from English single Date: 1876 1 : a card that is the only one of its suit originally dealt to a player 2 a : an individual member or thing distinct from others grouped with it b : an offspring born singly