Monday, February 13, 2012
HELP
THIS IS TOO MUCH FOR ME! I CAN'T FUNCTION - I CAN'T SLEEP. I WENT TO WORK EARLY, AND LEFT EARLY. I STARE AT MY PHONE, AWAITING CONTACT. I WISH I COULD SHUT UP AND PRETEND TO BE NORMAL - ENJOYING THE DAYS FOR WHAT THEY WERE - DAYS WITH YOU. I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS. I'M TOO AFRAID TO BE KNOWN FOR THE WEAKLING I AM, TO OPEN UP AND SAY ALL WE ROMANTICIZE. I AM ALSO TO WEAK TO JUST WITHER AND DIE. I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS - I WON'T LIVE LIKE THIS. I AM SCREAMING ON TOP OF MY LUNGS RIGHT NOW. I SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU THE TRUTH - I PANIC WHEN I THINK I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU, AND YOU WILL JUST REJECT ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE IN MY LIFE. I LOOK FOR EVERY REASON TO SAY - AHA! THAT'S THE ONLY REASON FOR THIS ATTENTION! I WANT THIS PAIN TO END, MAKE IT STOP, PLEASE!
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My love,
ReplyDeleteI'm just now getting this and as I am writing this tears are running down my face. I love you so much and am so scared. I don't know what else to do! I really want the same thing.. to be loved for who I am - the overly jealous, often confused and deeply wounded person that I am, and for no less.
We reflect each other so well. we are the same. You were just enough for me - perfect in fact. I couldn't even pretend that I wish we had never been intimate - although, I think it would have made things so much easier.
I wanted you to want me and give me all of you… no reservations or rules. I know about reality - but i just don't care. this is my fault for beings such horribly selfish person. You are quite the opposite of me in that sense.
I really honestly thought with all my heart that the night I gave myself to you would be the day that no other woman would ever be an option or a thought. I am still that naive little girl you met 8 years ago - the difference is now i am aware of that fact.
I needed you to make a choice although I wanted to be that choice I never wanted to influence it either way. I wanted you to want to choose me - faults and all. I think all the reasons you have to choose to stay with her over me… how she is more the ideal women --- pretty, clean past, educated … mother of your child, best friend of your older child and my insecurities soar.
I think that I'm not even worthy enough to be your friend sometimes. I can't be convinced that you could really love me for me - there in is the problem.
please please take the time to think about what a future with me would look like, having known as much as you know about me--- my less then honorable past, my struggles with things of the flesh, My physical conditions…and so on
even if only for friendship I want to always have you in my life. Either way you'll have me forever. now, it's time to decided if we're gonna spend forever fighting each other, making the devil laugh.
We are God's property. When did we lose sight of that?